you're no good at pretending

attention

jessisforlovers@gmail.com — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 21:42:16 GMT

i miss seabass the cat so much.

jessisforlovers@gmail.com — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 12:47:41 GMT

i am constantly torn between the assertion that i am conducting my life to the best of my capabilities and am doing you know, relatively okay, to this really unsettling feeling i often carry that tells me i am seriously, seriously fucking up.

they can fire with everything they've got and when they think i'm sunk i will float on and on

jessisforlovers@gmail.com — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 18:53:33 GMT

i picked a really good favorite band.

also today i lost my job!!! oops where'd it go. wait, i don't care. BUGABOO CREEK IS BULLSHIT.

the raging world has spooked him scared and he don't want her lost out there

jessisforlovers@gmail.com — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 06:58:25 GMT

today was the essay portion of my environmental geology final. upon completion, we handed in our finals and were allowed to look at our final paper and see how we fared. when i gave my name to the t.a., he looked at me and went, "stein. stein... he wants to see you!" as in my professor. and i freak, mildly, and ask if i did something wrong and he goes, "no no no, you did great!" and i get it back to wait for my professor to come back from talking to someone else and brief through my paper AND!:

he's a really good teacher. our conversation went well, i got to express how much i liked his class; as a very typical english major i struggle a lot with science and math classes, but the way professor olsen presented the material made it really comprehensible for me, and he said i completely understood the concepts based on my work and he was so impressed with my paper -- which was pretty fucking awesome, if i might be so bold.

in short: dood, i'm wicked fahking smaht!

also on tuesday i saw kevin devine, who makes my heart melt and i have missed very much because what scarce shows he has played in my area recently i have had to miss. i love him a lot, and i love that even though we aren't friends or even acquaintances and i am in no way insinuating that, he always remembers me at shows and finds me to say hello and give me a hug. he doesn't know my name or anything and that's fine with me. it's just as an unabashed nerd... it makes me smile a lot. and shows are so much better when you can drink at them. i think i'm really endearing when intoxicated.

good things! if only they were all we thought about, huh?

let me put it another way: every valley is not a lake

jessisforlovers@gmail.com — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 04:57:54 GMT

i feel that foreboding sense of dread as the bitter, evil cold descends upon us.
not even fractionally but exponentially. when did it become -- excuse me, PLUMMET to -- 9 degrees? fuck you, new england.
anyway, i wish it wasn't winter, or about to be. i wish the air didn't smell like snow.
it's just.. i always get so unreasonably sad as the weather gets brittle, and i feel so far away from everything, and especially everyone. i'd like that not to happen this year.
it'll be fine in 09, right?

if we wanted to tell you everything, we would leave more footprints in the snow or kiss you harder

jessisforlovers@gmail.com — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 22:28:38 GMT

i have a question to pose for everyone who'd like to participate in answering it.
let's paint a hypothetical situation: you are on a train, and you get on... you know, a few stops before there's no seats left, and all that you can find is the second seat on one of the paired benches.

so you're sitting next to this stranger, a reasonably normal one let's say, maybe listening to their ipod or flipping through a book (i find it impossible to properly read for all that long on public transportation) or staring vacantly out their window.
and we're going to simulate that nothing exponential happens, you just kind of sit with this stranger and then the train starts to clear, and all of a sudden there's an open two seats.

so do you get up? or do you just stay next to your anonymous stranger buddy?
because i've always opted just to remain next to whomever fate has placed me beside, both because there's the risk that both seats will be snatched and i will have to stand which i HATE doing on trains, and also because i don't know, it just seems kind of rude in a very secondhand way.

i mean, it's not as though this stranger has offended you (me) in any way, we have no immediate problem... but yet, recently, maybe a few weeks or so ago, this exact scenario happened to me, except i was occupying the window seat and shuffling through my ipod and staring out the window at my bored, bored reflection and this lady spied a pair of seats opening up and left! i thought we had a connection and it was so blunt and abrupt and i had no time to process it! and i was a little miffed! and i'm just wondering whether or not i should be.
and so, your input is appreciated.

ALSO:
ahhh!!!!

!!!!! !!!!!!

this is the second apartment in a row where the doors do not spring shut behind you. i guess it's really fucking hard for people to grasp the concept of manually shutting a door because i cannot begin to account for how many times i walk into the foyer and our door is wide open. wide open! we have four cats, all of whom range from mildly to very adventurous. i think it's safe to say that our piece of shit door on murdock street contributed to the loss of my cat... i'm gonna flip out soon on the next unfortunate idiot who doesn't check to make sure the door shuts behind them. i just... cannot wrap my head around what's so difficult about this. do you normally just walk into houses and not make sure the door shuts behind you? SERIOUSLY?

anyway, between school and work, life is fine. i've been promoted to bartender which is actually incredibly, super duper awesome. it's a family chain steakhouse (or a chain family steakhouse?) so business at the bar is expectantly lower but i can afford at this junction in my life to not be jess moneybags, and with this experience i have the opportunity for upward mobility in time to come. so that's good. and it's really fun, i genuinely enjoy working lunch shifts and watching television with funny businessmen on their breaks. i get good tips.

i love my friends very dearly, and i love the fall and the vibrant shades all the trees become, and i love smoking weed with my friends and getting drunk with my friends and taking hallucinogens with them. and my mom has a wealthy boyfriend which, as superficial as it sounds, i really want for her, because she has lupus and deserves to be taken care of because she's an amazing lady. and my dad just got out of rehab and he's the world's biggest goon, he's one of those dads who all my friends love because he's really egregious and funny and inappropriate, and i find him to be really, really embarrassing but i think the most disheartening thing that i never want him to hear from me is that he embarrasses me, so i just clam up and apologize for him after he leaves (said apologies are always very very refuted too).

i've been wicked into politics this election.
i don't... do that, like divulge anything, like on the internet, or not here, maybe if i had a more established blog or something i would but i think i'm pretty readable as to who i'm voting for. but vote yes on question 2!!!! even if you think pot is stupid and potheads are stupid, both of which i guess are debatable, there is absolutely no reason why this shouldn't pass. OKAY?
and you know, for president and (no on) question 1 and stuff. i don't know, just do it. close your eyes and scribble random bubbles in --- don't really do that, but seriously. vote.

jessisforlovers@gmail.com — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 06:13:31 GMT

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS

THE WORD "ANYWAYS"

IT IS "ANYWAY"

PLEASE STOP.

you got a fast car, is it fast enough so we can fly away?

jessisforlovers@gmail.com — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 19:45:04 GMT

are you angry? punch a pillow. was it satisfying? not hardly. these days people are too angry for punching. what you might try is stabbing. take an old pillow and lay it on the front lawn. stab it with a big pointy knife. again and again and again. stab hard enough for the point of the knife to go into the ground. stab until the pillow is gone and you are just stabbing the earth again and again, as if you want to kill it for continuing to spin, as if you are getting revenge for having to live on this planet day after day, alone.

i just finished reading no one belongs here more than you by miranda july and thoroughly suggest it to everyone. it's just a series of short stories but her style is heartrending to me. she is the same lady who wrote and directed and acted in me you and everyone we know, for those who that means something to.

i hope everyone enjoyed their holidays. in jewish tradition, i went to the movies.... twice, once with amanda and once with my mom and grandma. i really liked both movies i saw, i am legend and juno. amanda and i made plans which has left me with a strange contentment about life, for the moment anyhow. i need to finish holiday shopping which is kind of absurd because both holidays that could be regarded as present-giving is over, but i like giving presents on new years. i haven't put much thought into my resolutions but i should have some, right? but i always say i'll lose weight and sometimes i do, but never enough to satisfy. people keep telling me i'm losing weight but i think i'm just wearing my clothes too much and they stretch and create the illusion of weight loss. i will never shake myself of the notion that things would be easier if i could just fit into clothes the way i envision myself. the weather is palatable today, you can actually see the sun. i hate both my jobs but know better than to take any course of action. i will always hate my jobs, i will always hate situations where i must assume the role of being menial. i look at my friends and think, know that we will never be normal. we will either always be menial or we will succeed where others haven't. i'd like to think that, i wonder if everyone looks at their friends and thinks that, or they go from person to person and imagine what their offices will look like when they're older. what is older? i'm older, right? when is it no longer okay to say "when i grow up"?

i got accepted into umass boston. i am not surprised but opening the thick envelope and knowing that no rejection letter is so formidably big felt so good. that's actually a lie because i think my rejection letter from nyu came in a big starchy envelope like this one. it's full of rosters and student publications.

my hair is so long. i have new bangs but my hair still sweeps past my shoulders, which i've never allowed it time to do before, not since i was a little, little girl. i constantly pin it up with my hands and try to see myself with short hair, and i think i'd look pretty, think it'd be a really drastic, most likely positive change but that means parting with a year of just brushing and never cutting. all that work so i can wonder how i'd look without it.

i need to clean my room.

let's get lost and then sound out alarms

jessisforlovers@gmail.com — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 01:20:58 GMT

i didn't record this, but somebody did and i am thieving it to exemplify my favorite part of last sunday night and the reason that even though brand new's overall performance fared mediocre at best, i'm never sorry i go to see them.

i am having a bad day.

something about nothing

jessisforlovers@gmail.com — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 05:04:02 GMT

life's not a bitch!
life is a beautiful woman.
you only call her a bitch because she wouldn't let you get that pussy.
maybe she didn't feel you shared any similar interests,
or maybe you're just an asshole who couldn't sweet talk the princess.

in the presence of the present we spoke about the past, behind our future's back

jessisforlovers@gmail.com — Sun, 22 Jul 2007 01:11:22 GMT

oh dear god i am such a geek. after working (i'm a barista at the starbucks cafe in the barnes and noble in the prudential mall, how's that sound) the harry potter event last night i left cradling my very own copy of the deathly hallows. when i finally returned to the dusty solace of my own apartment i commenced reading it... until 6am when my eyelids were too droopy and my mind too fatigued to possibly process another page.

i spent the day in my pajamas poring through its contents and then when i finally persuaded myself to rise and fulfill the obligations i had beset myself, i ended up in needham running laundry and... reading. so at 8:30 pm this evening i finished harry potter vii. i'd like to think of this series as a stupendous revolution in the modern world of literacy or lack thereof, or having literacy but doing nothing with it. i cried, a whole bunch, because i've invested so much love and faith in those stupid british wizards. goddamnit.

i didn't really make a sport of predicting anything, but i did heavily anticipate that with so many darned kids, so many of them (all, actually, practically) with heavy loyalty to harry, one or some of the weasleys had to fall. i furthermore prophesied that it would be one of my two ultimate favorite characters, the irrepressible weasley twins. i hate being right. that was kind of devastating for my eyes to pass over.

okay, that's all. wednesday night i will be seeing some of my favorite not-real people play what i foresee as a brilliant show. preceeding that, on monday, i've FINALLY obtained an interview with cheers ... that job shall be mine!!!! please root for me. i think like... four of the people at the cafe bear striking, almost frightening resemblances to kids i attended high school with. creepy creepy.

jessisforlovers@gmail.com — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 06:25:47 GMT

guys, it was a vast disappointment how much harry potter v sucked. i miss matt myatt so much but lia gurin (goorin is heyah.

i really like me as a person sometimes

jessisforlovers@gmail.com — Mon, 17 Apr 2006 11:01:20 GMT

i know i have to sleep but i also know once i resign myself to that fact and in fact, sleep, i'll close the door to the state of mind i'm in right now and i'm not ready to do that. i just want everyone who happens to read this feel EXACTLY what i'm feeling right now, what i've been feeling all night and know that i understand and love and want to know and appreciate and care SO MUCH about your lives, that you have a life you can't express in a little premeditated box on livejournal, and i have no idea what it feels like to be you or to wrestle the problems you wrestle with or care about the people you care about, but i actually intensely read everyone's updates and was ... genuinely grateful that you took the time to tell some stranger on a computer about it. some little piece of your life you incidentally shared with me. stay happy, okay? we're all just living to see what it's like to die and i hope you find important, good people on the way to dying. i hope i do.